Josh Wingrove
Edmonton — Globe and Mail Update
Published on Friday, Mar. 26, 2010 7:56PM EDT
Last updated on Friday, Mar. 26, 2010 9:18PM EDT
For Jeff Pain, it was a price too high, but one he nonetheless nearly paid – risking his marriage for the pursuit of Olympic success.

Pain, 39, a silver medalist in 2006 who failed to reach the podium in Vancouver, said he put nearly everything aside while training, including time with his wife and two young sons. It nearly tore the family apart.

“Three times in the first 10 years of our marriage, there was a ‘make or change or I’m leaving’ [conversation]. We had that discussion three times,” Pain said, in an interview.

He and his wife Aly survived by changing their approach. Two years ago, they decided to put it all on paper, an effort that led to “Medals and Marriage,” their recently self-published book about the trials of balancing an Olympic and family dreams. It’s written by the couple with help from writer and University of Calgary lecturer A. Mary Murphy.

Jeff spoke with The Globe from Calgary. His answers have been edited for clarity.

Q: Why write the book?

A: In 2008, we just decided that that’s what we should do. We’ve been through too much to not share it and put it out there, and try and help some people or try and improve some relationships – save some relationships, maybe, who knows?

Q: What do you hope people take from it?

A: Certainly one of the messages is there’s a lot of responsibilities in life, and a lot of things that happen, and the only way that each part of life is going to be complete, and fulfilled and successful is when it’s in sync’. Nothing can exist on an island by itself, and I did a really bad job on that in the beginning of my career, just focusing way too much on one thing – being skeleton. I let my relationship with my wife, my family and friends suffer for that. Basically, I didn’t take care of my home life and it suffered. In every relationship, there are struggles – lack of balance, lack of communication, lack of negotiation, and all of these things contribute to difficult relationship struggles.

Q: Did you consciously put off the relationships to train?

A: I wasn’t pretty conscious of it, unfortunately. I don’t know what to say. It didn’t cross my mind – I was too heads-down, had the blinders on too much. I didn’t see the [signs] until Aly kind of smacked me in the face with it. Right now, in the offseason when I’m not training or competing, I can be much, much more single-minded on my kids, or my family. So, there are seasons to it, so to speak, and it ebbs and flows. As long as it’s talked about.

Q: Are athletes taught to be single-minded in pursuit of gold?

A: I think that’s one of the unfortunate assumptions that a lot of athletes make. And it’s taught to us a little bit too – that you have to be kind of focused and narrow-minded in your purpose and to achieve greatness. And I think that’s an old way of thinking and it needs to change. So we’re doing what we can in our book to kind of break those old myths, those old ways of being. There’s a lot of stuff in our culture that doesn’t get talked about. There are times when single-mindedness is necessary. and it’s something I use as a tool. But it’s used as a tool and it’s talked about beforehand. And Aly and I are very clear that the week before the Olympics I’m probably not going to be on the phone every day, and we’ve talked about that, we’ve negotiated that situation. So, it’s not like I’m just doing it with the assumption that ‘she gets it,’ or ‘it’s OK.’ It’s all about communication and negotiation, and figuring out what roles and what is the timing.

Q: You sound like you’ve been trained well.

A: Yeah, It’s been a lot of hard lessons, for sure.

Q: Talking with your wife, making time for the family – have you passed this on to other athletes?

A: Nope. No one’s asked me, which I find really interesting.

Q: Do you think they’re ignorant about the risk?

A: I don’t think they know what they’re in for. When they do read it [the book], it’s probably going to be a little bit eye-opening for a lot of people, which is why we wrote it. So, it’ll be interesting to see how the reactions and the conversations evolve over the next month or two, as the book gets out there and people start to read it, start to realize what we went through, what it takes. Some of the younger riders who are just starting, you know, for them to really get conscious about what it means, what impact what they’re doing could have on the next five or 10 years of their life. That kind of reality check i think is really important. i hope they read it and decide if they want to go through with it or not.

Q: What’s at stake?

A: The stakes are relationships with significant others, family, friends. Not a lot of athletes have kids, so I’m somewhat unique in that regard. There are career implications, family implications. A lot of those can be seen to be negative, but there’s also a lot of positives. it’s a choice. Skeleton has brought our family a lot of amazing things too. My kids [Kyle, 8, and Thomas, 7] have been to Austria twice.

Q: After all this, are you going to retire?

A: I haven’t retired. we’re just going through the process of figuring out what the plan is for the next year, or two, or four. Just trying to get perspective before we jump into anything – other than the book, which we’re jumping into as hard as we can.

Q: Do you hope the timing of the book release, in the wake of the Vancouver Games, will catch people’s eyes?

A: “Winning a medal is obviously going to bring attention to the person and to the sport, for sure. Two Olympics in a row we’ve taken the gold medal home, so the profile is still getting higher and higher in Canada for sure. Now, it’s going to remain high in 99 per cent of the Canadian public’s mind for another – well, it may have died down already. It’s your small window of notoriety, fame and attention.

Q: Did you have more notoriety in 2006, when you won your medal?

A: I got to experience what that was like. And this time i didn’t win a medal, so now I’m getting this experience. And there’s definitely more attention, notoriety and phone calls when you have a medal or when you don’t. It’s interesting from both sides for sure. Definitely the business opportunity it a little bit easier [by] having a medal, but there’s always opportunity, you’ve just got to find the one that’s working for you at the time. And then, make sure you capitalize on it in the moment – because as I said it doesn’t last very long.